Good Grief

Christmas time always has me thinking. I've probably done more thinking in the past 2 weeks than any other year at Christmas. It all started with a dream I had about my grandfather. Normally, it would be no big deal but I've never had a dream about my grandfather at all since he passed away 9 years ago. My grandfather and I were very close. My siblings and I were actually with him when he had his brain aneurysm and as he passed away. Scary for a bunch of kids to deal with. I was really upset when I woke up from my dream. It was a good dream. It was as if he was here playing with our kids and had met John. The bad part was when I woke up and realized it was only a dream.

I learned something big about myself through this though. I have never been a person that allows myself to grieve. I stuff it down and move on. I do the same thing with change or confrontation--anything that shakes my soul up. I'm calm and cool on the outside but somewhere along the way (way up on the way) it comes crawling out of the shadows when I least expect it and I have to deal with it. I think the dream about my grandfather triggered several things that I hadn't dealt with:

1. We are up for some big changes in 2007 with the church plant. I'm excited about it but I'm grieving what we will leave behind.

2. I didn't realize how much it affected me when several sets of our friends moved either to the other side of town and/or to different churches. It all happened the same month that I left my job to stay home with the kids. More change.

3. There have been a few issues between my Grandmother and my parents (as well as my aunt and uncles). I'm not involved in any of it. Yet, I haven't seen my grandmother in about a year because I've been trying to ignore the subject and not get involved. It's as if I've already lost her too.

4. My brother's wife and girls live in Louisiana. My brother lives here. I'll spare you the details. It's complicated. I haven't seen my nieces or my sister-in-law since May of 2005. I have a deep desire to have a relationship with them. I love and miss them so much. Holidays are hard without them.

My main reason for posting all of this though is that I think that I've figured out some stuff. Today, I had a good cry. "Good grief", I'll call it. I finally let myself release some the "ick" that I've been feeling and stuffing down.

Issue 1 is working itself out. I'm excited about the new things that are going to happen. That doesn't mean that I'll never have contact with everyone else ever again. We have the internet and a phone!!!

I can't really do anything with issue 2 except strive to keep in contact with these friends. We all go through seasons in our lives. Sometimes the season that we are in leads us to the next town over.

Issues 3 and 4 are touchy issues. All I can do is love all of the parties involved. None have wronged me. I hope that I haven't wronged them. I keep going back the verses in Romans 12.

"Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone." Romans 12:14-18 (New Living Translation)

I want to strive to live in peace with everyone--family, friends, everyone. And I want to continue to allow myself to grieve when life calls for it. No more stuffing. I'm not as mighty as I think I am sometimes. And "good grief" has been very healthy for me tonight. Too bad it happens to be Christmas Eve (well, Christmas day as I look at the clock!). Oh, well. :o) It all comes out when it needs to. Mine was long over due. Funny how it took 9 years for that to boil to the surface. Anyway, I've got to get to bed. The kids will be up soon ready to open presents. I can't wait!!!

Merry Christmas to all of you! May you remember the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ today and "...do all that you can to live in peace with everyone".