You might be a Redneck...

…if you attended the wedding this weekend.

I’m still trying to get over my cousin, Janette’s wedding. It has totally blown my mind. For starters, I will say that this was the worst planned wedding that I’ve EVER seen. The wedding was on Friday night. I was a bridesmaid. As of Thursday (yes, the day before the wedding), I still didn’t know what time or where the wedding would be held or even if there would be a rehearsal. Janette called me Thursday afternoon and left a jumbled message on my machine saying that there would be a rehearsal that evening and that I was invited to attend. Needless to say, I’m 1.5 hours away with no babysitter especially at that short of notice. I didn’t make it. Surprisingly (ok, not really), most of the bridal party didn’t make it to the rehearsal either. They were informed the same time I was.

On Friday, I was to meet Janette at the hair salon and was then to follow her to the site for another rehearsal. When the kids and I got to the salon, I found out that Janette had set up hair appointments for 3 out of the 5 bridesmaids. I was one of the 2 who had non-up do’s and no appointment. Not a big deal though. At the salon, I quickly met Tracy, one of the groom’s sisters, who was the self-proclaimed boss of the evening. She was a thrill to work with. :o) We all jumped in our cars to head to the site. We ended up in the back woods of nowhere. Every so many miles Janette (in the bridal veil) and Tracy would jump out of the car to hang up signs with bailing wire while wading through weeds and corn. No joke! We went a couple of more miles up the road and then we turned off to the left into a cornfield. Not a road-A CORNFIELD! Soon we came to a clearing and there was a beautiful river (I guess it’s really a creek or something) flowing in the background. What a wonderful view but if you turn 180 degrees you see a falling down shack or something and two port-a-potties about 10 yards away. Yuck! This was suppose to be an outdoor wedding in 80 degree heat with a 70% chance of rain. Fun…

We waited and waited forever for everyone to get there for the rehearsal and finally everyone showed up. Here’s the bridal party:

Robert-Groom: Larry the Cable Guy’s twin brother.

Groomsmen 1-4: Don’t really know anything about them. One of them was named “Shad”. From what I could tell, they didn't seem like they have an ounce of personality in them. They all looked bored and kept eyeing the keg.

Eddie-Groomsman 5: This is the guy that I walked down the aisle with. I was trying to make small talk with him to be nice but he refused to talk to me. His pregnant, jealous wife kept eyeing me the whole time. People are dumb.

Ushers/Ring bearer: Cute kids. Ethan loved playing with them and helping them collect frogs and beetles.

Janette-Bride: She's my cousin who is very sweet. She’s usually pretty clueless but very good hearted and easy going.

Brittany-Matron of Honor: She's 5 months pregnant. Two days before the wedding Brittany had an allergic reaction to tuna and swelled up like a blowfish. Her face was so swollen. Her poor eyes were practically swollen shut. But she still showed up. She did have these awful fake eyelashes on though. It kind of looked like two spiders fell asleep on the face of the Stay Puff Marshmallow man. And she had this foundation on that made her look like the color of an oompaloompa. Yep, a Stay Puff Marshmallow Oompaloompa.

Tracy-Bridesmaid: One of the groom’s sisters. She has a very loud, scruffy and bossy voice. She also always had a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

Amanda-Bridesmaid: The other sister of the groom. Exact same characteristics as Tracy but with a million tattoos on her body.

Jessie-Bridesmaid: Sister-in-law of the bride. Maybe 16 or 17 years old. 7 months pregnant. She’s incredibly shy and looks really uncomfortable. I think she said 3 words the entire evening but she did say that she’s naming her baby “Lisa Marie”. Interesting…

And then there’s me. Boring, non-smoking, tattoo-less me.

Anyway, everyone got there and we started the rehearsal. The preacher yelled at Tracy and Amanda to “shut up” because they keep shouting orders at everyone while he was trying to give instructions. Later on I found out that the preacher was really their grandfather. In the center aisle of the site, a neighborhood dog had left us a hearty “wedding present”. Frogs and beetles kept hopping and crawling around our feet and cottonwood was flying over our heads getting stuck in some of the girls up dos. I was just waiting for Jack Hanna to show up and tell me that the black beetle that was crawling all over my shoe was some rare species that was protected by law and that if I stepped on it, I’d end up in jail.

When the rehearsal was over, the girls left the site to go to Tracy’s house to get ready. My parents were supposed to be at the rehearsal to take Ethan and Erin. John wasn’t with me because he didn’t get off of work on time. My parents were lost. How were they supposed to know to turn off into the cornfield instead of a real road? Plus, they don’t have a cell phone. The wedding invitation did include a map-a general map of the state of Indiana. How helpful... I went ahead and went to Tracy’s to get ready. She lived in this doublewide trailer about 6 miles down the road. The porch was about 4 feet off of the ground and it was set about 1 foot away from the house. The steps were very steep and very far apart. You had to watch carefully as you stepped from the porch to the house that you wouldn’t fall in the hole. This was fun with two kids. We all tried to get ready and since we are all really sweaty from the rehearsal, our dresses wouldn’t slip on right. Mine didn’t really fit that great to begin with. I ended up bringing the wrong bra to wear with my dress and had to tape breast pads to the inside of my dress so I wouldn’t leak milk on it and then went braless. Boy, did I look trashy. At the same time, I am trying to keep Ethan in the house and off of the porch. He thinks that the screen door is fun but I’m just sure that he’s going to fall in the hole and be stuck under the porch with the dogs.

After we change is when I find out that we are showing up to the wedding on a tractor and wagon. Yes, a tractor. I ended up having to drive the kids back to the site. I found my parents who have finally made it and they take the kids. My dad then drives me back to Tracy’s house to “catch the ride”. All of us piled on to the tractor wagon, sit on bales of hay and hold on to our hair as we ride down gravel roads. Good thing I didn't pay to have my hair done! We kept having to dodge low hanging branches and the tractor driver’s wife followed us in her truck to make sure that none of us fell out since the side of the wagon was loose. Great…

On the wagon ride, Tracy and Amanda made the driver pull over (in turn making us late to the wedding) because they needed a cigarette break and the cigarettes were in the truck behind us. You’ve got to be kidding me! You’ll make the bride late to her own wedding because you can’t wait 30 minutes yourself? And you’ll both smoke while sitting on bales of hay? C’mon! Tracy proceeded to tell us a story of one of her cousins getting a DUI on a riding lawn mower. Priceless…

We finally arrived to the cornfield, covered in dust, hair a mess and 30 minutes older. We turned in and discovered that the tractor was too wide to fit between the cars that everyone has parked. Tracy ordered the people to come and move all of their cars out of the way. After that, the tractor was able to squeeze in (again, more ducking from low hanging branches). We all climbed down from the wagon and got our escorts. We walked down the aisle to country music (I think the song was “You Had Me From Hello” by Kenny Chesney) played from the speakers of a big pick-up truck. You just can’t make this stuff up. We all got up front and waited for the bride to walk down the aisle. She started to cry and we are thinking “Oh, how sweet”. Then she says “Tracy, come here! I can’t believe I’ve done this!” Oh, no! I seriously thought she was backing out. Tracy goes back to check on her. Come to find out, Janette has left all of the rings at Tracy’s house. The ring bearer ended up walking down the aisle just holding his empty hands out and the flower girl didn’t have her flower basket either. It got left in someone’s truck. They scrambled for rings and end up borrowing the groom’s parents’ rings for the ceremony. The rest of the ceremony goes good-although, the groom looked like he was going to pass out or throw up the entire time.

After the ceremony, the bridal party got back on the wagon for a ride. The driver turned the key and the engine stalled. After about 2 tries, a couple of the groomsmen jumped out of the wagon (in their white tuxes) and pulled out some tools and worked on the tractor. Ten minutes later the thing was up and running again. We drove on down the road and took a 30-minute drive. We went into this small town and turned around to come back. As we are turned around (we were in the middle of nowhere), a pack of dogs spotted us. We were chased back to the site by 4 or 5 of them. Unbelievable…

After pictures, we then were told that we could change out of our clothes into the clothes that we had on earlier. For me, this meant jeans and a t-shirt. For the other girls, it meant tank tops/tube tops and pajama bottoms. Um, ok… The only place to change was, yes, you guessed it…the Port-A-Potty. Never again will I do that. It’s hard to change from a formal dress into anything while trying keep the door closed, hold your nose and trying not to drop your car keys into the abyss.

This night for me goes down in history. I have managed to look at through the eyes of Jeff Foxworthy:

You Might Be A Redneck If...
There were dogs in the church on your wedding day.
(How about dogs chasing your tractor on your wedding day?)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
(I think I had the most teeth out of all of the bridal party put together.)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You have ever used a screwdriver to start your pickup.
(How about “ever worked on a tractor in a tux”?)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
(Seriously thought this was going to happen at Tracy’s house.)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
(*Shaking my head*)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
(How about a cigarette?)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
(Could have been. 4 out of 10 people in the bridal party either just had a baby or will be having one soon.)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
(Saw a lot of this going on.)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
If you think Jeff Foxworthy is funny or even worse-Larry the Cable Guy.
(What about if you marry someone that looks like Larry the Cable Guy?)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your dog can smoke a cigarette.
(Oh, heck! Everyone else there did. I wouldn’t be surprised if the dog did too!)

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
(Refer to the description of bridesmaids.)

I have to laugh. And then, I have to pray that this is the only time in my life that I will ever experience these events (especially all at once!) again. Thank God for family.

"Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts." ~Author Unknown